In almost every post of mine, you can read something about redefining your thoughts or redefining mommy mindset. Now it’s time for me to give you some clear instructions.
I want to make a little disclosure first. Every single person reading this is different. I don’t know you, I don’t know your problems, your views. This post is just a guidance, use it as you wish, adjust to your needs. I found this method very successful for me and I am very happy to share with other moms.
I focus on moms because I know their struggles and I know their world. That’s why I know you can have troubles with finding time for journaling, for self-care, for simply sitting down with a cup of tea and contemplating life for a few minutes.
I have faith that it gets better with time (or so they say), but the truth is we moms often need the support now, when the kids are young, when chaos runs our homes and not… “with time”.
That is why I created a workbook as a companion to this post. Work at your own pace. I divided the content into shorter parts so it’s easier to divide and conquer.
Are you ready? Go ahead and download the workbook, it makes it easier to go step by step with the redefining process. See, I know moms. We all dream about fancy notebooks, we buy them but have no time to look for them when needed. And even if we find the notebook, immediately some little hands will want to draw in there 😉
What is your current state of mind?
First of all, you need to define what currently bothers you. You don’t have to think in some broad, life-depends-on-that categories. Just decide what do you want to work on. [that is page 3 of the workbook]
You may find it helpful to divide your life into the worlds to live in. Every “world” would be a different role you are having. Giving you myself as an example there’s:
- Alicja-housekeeper and so on.
Now choose in which of these worlds you don’t feel confident enough to rule it. Which one would you like to improve or improve yourself to grow into the person you’d like to be.
Is it about you?
Is it relationship with somebody else?
Does it concern your kids?
Most common struggles moms share with me are:
- parenting troubles,
- husbands who don’t understand a thing,
- daily disorganization/lack of productivity,
- frustration caused by lack of time for “being myself”,
- no motivation for weight loss.
As if you need some more ideas, right?
Shifting your mindset would be helpful with all of those!
Now, there’s no rocket science here, when you know what you want to change you need to figure out:
What outcome would make you happy?
You’ll find some more helpful questions in the workbook [page 4], but in general, I want you to be painfully honest with yourself here.
If you think losing 60lbs would make you happy – great, but the goal is to dig deeper. Is it about the pounds or is it about turning back time to fitting into the white jeans that turned your then-not-even-boyfriend’s head around? Is health the issue here or bringing back the spark to the marriage. Do you get where I am going with that?
Brendon Burchard talks about a fun game that can help you – he picks three words that describe the person he wants to be. And as he goes with his day he reminds himself (he set reminders in his phone) about those words and acts accordingly. When he’s in a bad mood and he gets the reminder that he wants to be the energetic, funny guy he actively stops with the whining!
It takes work but it’s possible and gets easier with time. Repetition is your friend here!
So basically you have two worlds now. The one that you’re living in and you the new one you are actively creating, redefined one, the one you want to live in.
Confront two worlds
The world of the future, where you have already achieved your goal is the one with the “new you.” It would be perfect if you visit this world as often as possible. Have you heard about the power of visualization?
It helped many, so why not try it?
This moment is perfect to confront your dreamy future plans with… current you.
You see, you need to gain clarity. Be absolutely sure you want what you want and WHY you want it. And maybe you did that in the previous step, but maybe you could use some more motivation.
The strongest power you could activate when you desire any change is your intrinsic motivation (the one coming from the inside you).
Related Post: Need a kick in the butt?
So again, dig deeper. Think about your why, about your core values. What is really important for you? What would you focus your life on if you knew you will live only 5 more years? I know it’s extreme, but it paints a picture, right?
If you have never thought about your core values, I sincerely advise reading more, it’s very helpful not only to understand the mindset, but also it’s the base for the self-development in general.
Think about how does your redefining process fit your personal philosophy. Yes, it’s a learning process. You are also gaining mentioned clarity. You’re making sure the thing you want is really important for you and it’s worth your time. It’s better to know that now, than if you realized it whenever you’ll finally achieve your goal and your reaction will be “ok, I’m done, cool”.
Are you still here reading about the mindset?
Just checking lol How are you, Mama, at this point? Tired? A bit overwhelmed? I again suggest downloading the workbook to systematize what we’re talking about. Remember those instructions here are taking you through quite a journey.
I don’t expect you to go through the whole process on one sitting! We’re talking mommy mindset! Mommy’s world has her own little suns to turn around, so you do you.
Bookmark this page and come back as often as possible to finish. But one thing here needs to be said:
Don’t give up.
Find the time.
You are worth it.
Your kids deserve to have a happy mommy.
Don’t give up on yourself.
Go back to visualize the new perfect world.
Redefine your mindset!
And now enough with the cheerleading, you’re a grown ass woman, you know it’s important otherwise you would never read any of that. Am I right?
Your exciting journey from A to Z.
Now that you defined point Z, the one that you’re going to. And that this destination is ok with everything you love about point A, your starting point. It’s time to choose the means of transportation.
I might surprise you because it is exactly now when you need to take some action. Even if it’s the littlest step in the history of steps – do something that will take you closer to your destination. I know you don’t have the whole plan figured out yet, I know you’re hesitant, maybe even afraid, but take some action.
Look, there are only two options here if you decide to act:
- You do something and it will work. Suddenly, you’re in point B or
- You do something and it will not work. You are still in point A, but richer in a life lesson!
Experience is an added value. No failing here, no giving up.
We are building a momentum! You are trying! Yay!
About planning though
It is always good to have a clear path of how to achieve your goal. But as a reminder, I will mention that this post is not about goal setting but about changing your mindset. So I don’t want to digress too much.
Find all your points between A and Z. [workbook, page 6] It is helpful to think backward. Figure it out what do you need for sure to achieve Z? That might be your point X. What do you need to accomplish to get to X, would be T. And so on. I found this step by step planning instructions from Nell Regan easy to follow and very helpful.
To this point, you have the clarity of your intentional outcome and the momentum built on your own decision to take action. Good for you! Let’s go on.
The way you think is the way you act.
Did I emphasize enough how important it is that you stop dreaming and start doing? Well, I hope you studied what you need, did your research and now you’re acting.
You must be prepared now for the resistance. Your inner voice will tell you, that a new mindset of growth is not as important as Netflix and chill. That you can do that tomorrow. That you will not accomplish your goal anyway, just like the last dozen times. Well, hit that inner b*#$% in the face because we are completely changing your voice.
The key to success: redefine your internal monologue.
Women, and especially mothers, are considered to be caring for others “givers”. Of course, it’s oversimplification and generalization, but hey, it’s a thing for a reason. Mommy mindset is harmonized with everybody around her. If your baby feels bad – you feel bad. If your toddler cannot build a tower with blocks – it’s because you didn’t teach them well and so on. We’re empaths to the core. That is lovely, as far as it’s not limiting you!
This is the moment when you gather all the limiting beliefs and negative thoughts and trash it. [page 7 in the workbook] Limiting belief is for example assumption that “no honest, good person can get rich, so you’ll never invest” or “you have to be a runner to be healthy, so with your knees – you’ll never be”.
You gain all those beliefs from the day you were born. While most of the time you are choosing which of them sticks, it’s not that simple and obvious. Often times we inherited some beliefs from people that are the closest to us. Like parents. Sometimes those are values, habits, sometimes it’s that inner voice who sounds strangely similar to your mom. The matter to evaluate now is if the heritage is working for you or is it… limiting.
The key point in redefining process, in the change your mindset game, is to switch all the negativity to positivity.
Here’s how:Plant a positivity in your brain and then actively spy on every weed that tries to mess with your thoughts!Click To Tweet
You wake up in the morning and you answer yourself questions: What I am grateful today? What fun activities will I organize for my kids this week? I want you to engage with these questions. Try to hear your children’s laugh in your ears when you imagine what a fun time you’ll have!
Related Post: How gratitude can help you with your goals?
Then before you go to bed, remind yourself of the best moments of your day. Kiss hubby goodnight and talk with him about how happy you are. You get the point. That’s planting some positive thoughts.
But what to do when negativity creeps in?
- Acknowledge it.
Don’t try to ignore negative thoughts. They will keep coming back. Notice them and then decide: will you let them ruin your day? Will you allow negativity mess with your new mindset? (hint: you won’t, you fight back!)
- Immediately search for a trigger.
Look around you. What just happened? Did you do something specific, did you meet somebody, read something on social media? Maybe you’re hungry? When you know what is starting the problem, start strategizing how can you remove it from your environment.
- Accept the facts.
Negative feelings, negative thoughts are part of our lives. Accept that. Not to embrace them, but to not be afraid of them. You are learning to be in control.
- Shift the perspective to positive.
In the next paragraph I’m giving you a detailed example of this, but in general, you need to take a look at the half-full glass. Put on the optimist’s glasses and make the work, find one or two counter-thoughts, positive ones.
5. Create your own affirmation.
Find something that calms you down. It can be a quote you like, a verse from the Scripture, text from the song or your own creation. Every time you win the fight with negativity in your head, take a deep breath and tell yourself your affirmation. In the long run, this will become a signal to your brain that it’s time to relax your body and think positive.
The truth is You’re the boss, Mama!
Let’s be honest, in everyday mom’s life often it’s hard to follow your own train of thoughts, not to mention control it. But you are the boss here! You’ve made a decision to shift your mindset. [page 2 in your workbook] You made a commitment! Force your brain to create a positive alternative for whatever stopping-you-thought you might have!
Be intentional. If your goal is to feed your family healthier and that means you need to cook more, then you may be absolutely sure after a couple of days you’re gonna hear that little voice telling you “c’mon you’re tired, you deserve a break, just order a pizza”. YOU STOP THAT VOICE right there!!!
You hear it and you immediately react. You’re taking the weed out! Redefine it to something positive. Say it out loud: I am tired, and I deserve a break, that is why after I cook the dinner, I’ll ask my husband to help me with the dishes and then we could have a nice evening.
You are planting positive thoughts. Remember that moment and prepare for the next time. In this example, you could have additional dinner frozen, for a harder day. So, when you’re tired and want to order something, you could just use that.
You‘re winning experience points this way! And this satisfaction that you stopped negativity will only empower you to go on!
And remember practice and repetition work miracles. Whenever you feel down, do a little check in with yourself. What have you been thinking about? What did your inner voice tell you a second ago? How can you switch it to a positive message? Look for patterns – maybe frustration and negative thoughts get you when you hungry?
That is why journaling would be really helpful. You could note when and why you felt bad and then after some time, look back and search for patterns! Maybe you could find some time to input short notes on your phone? I’m using the free app called Keep for almost everything but any calendar/notes app would work.
Everybody has my dress now syndrome
Have you ever noticed that when you want something, like an expensive dress or bag or even a car and you are looking for the best deal for some time, you’re really focusing on how to get it, suddenly you see that thing everywhere?
Yeah, that’s how your brain works.
When you focus on something, your attention works better. Use it! Focus on your positive mindset, put the positive thought in the center of your attention, visualize yourself celebrating an achieved goal!
With every little step you are getting closer to step out of the world you were in into the new, improved world you wished for. I just want to add one observation, because I don’t want you to be discouraged.
The learning process is never finished and especially as you learn by gaining experience. This means that in the end (when you get to your new world) it might look a little (or completely) different than you expected in the first place. And it is ok! As long as YOU see it as an improvement, as long as it’s where you are happy, that is great!
I mentioned it just because you may encounter questions from your surroundings, like “I thought you were saying you will go on a diet, and now I don’t see you anymore because you drag the whole family to run marathons every Sunday. That was not in your plan.”
Remember that other people have their own vision of you. That vision does not define you. You define you.
I believe in your success! Just redefine your mindset and be the mommy you always wanted to be!